Photos by BLF Studios

No matter how long you have been a couple, getting married is a big change, and preparing for your marriage is the best way to ensure it will be filled with love, peace, and connection. The next four issues of Weddings will include worksheets that you can work through with your fiancé to stimulate discussions that will help prepare you for your marriage. By going through this together, you will find out how your past has shaped where you are today, and then prepare you for a new life together.

Communication is the first skill that is integral to a happy marriage. Without communication skills, you will not be able to resolve differences, understand each other, or plan for the future. Statistics tell us that the 2 biggest reasons for divorce are based on sex and money, and I would dare say that the inability to talk about sex and money are the root of most relationship problems. Communicating impacts every area of a relationship, so I encourage you to work through this article together.

Our Past
A large part of how we communicate has to do with the way we were raised—we are products of our environment. The following are a list of extremes regarding the way a family communicates. Place a mark along the line where you feel your family fits between these extremes, and have your fiancé do the same.

Upfront____________________________________________________ Evasive
Easy Going__________________________________________________ Tense
Obnoxious________________________________________________ Sensitive
With Laughter_______________________________________________Serious
Quiet________________________________________________________Loud
Deceitful____________________________________________________Honest
Inviting_______________________________________________________Cold
Volatile ______________________________________________________Calm


- Look at the differences where you both have come from.
Take a few minutes and ask your fiancé how he or she thinks your upbringing has impacted how you communicate. Listen intently to what they say and don’t get defensive. It is important to hear how your partner perceives you.
Go over these extremes and discuss where you would like your marriage to be.

When and Where
At times, it will be necessary to discuss sensitive issues that you will need to work through. It’s important to choose the right time and place to do this. Don’t spring something on your spouse as you are about to have dinner with your in-laws—it could ruin your evening and make things difficult to resolve later.

Be careful not to bring up issues for the first time in the presence of others or discuss sensitive issues with your friends or family before talking with your spouse. Talk in private first, and decide together what you will be telling others. Airing your dirty laundry in front of others makes everyone uncomfortable and, most importantly, will not help to resolve your problems. If you come to an impasse that needs resolving, decide together who to bring into the conversation to help guide you through your differences.

The time of day you choose to discuss a problem can also be important. I am not a morning person and so am not very communicative till I have something to eat and a good cup of coffee. My wife Carol, on the other hand, wakes up ready to take on the world. Because of our differences, our conversation during this time is often one-sided, with Carol doing all the talking and me nodding my head to things I am not comprehending. On the flip side, I fire on all cylinders at night and can stay mentally alert while lying in bed, while Carol has been known to fall asleep mid-sentence when her head hits the pillow. So when you need to discuss important issues, find a time that works for both of you.

Exercise 2
Answer the following questions individually and then try to find a compromise on points where you are different.

- Which part of the day are you most alert and talkative?
- Do you prefer doing something as you are talking, like going for a walk, sitting down with your favourite beverage, or driving somewhere?
Do you like to have a heads-up, on what needs to be talked about so you can have some time to ponder the issue before discussing it?
After a long day of work, how much time do you need to unwind before discussing important matters?
Personality
Our personalities are one of the major aspects that dictate the way we communicate. An extrovert will often share what is on their minds much more easily than an introvert will. One of Carol’s sayings is, “ What good is an opinion if you don’t share it?” The major benefit of this is that I never wonder what is on her mind. Verbalizing is her way of working things out. Even when planning an event, she will not consider it planned until every detail has been talked through. On the other hand, I try to have everything figured out before I open my mouth. Planning is something I do by meditation.

Neither approach to discussion is right or wrong. Communicating successfully has to do with who we are and the personalities that we have. They will, however, cause conflict if we do not accept each other for the way we are and realize that we do not all communicate in the same manner.

Exercise 3
Share with each other the answers to the following questions:
Do I express my feelings easily with others?
How much of a “delay switch” is in my brain, from when I think a thought to when I share it openly?
Do I get frustrated with others when they don’t share as freely as I do?
How much time do I take to analyze things before giving my opinion?

Now ask your fiancé, “How do you think my personality impacts the way I communicate?”
Take some time to listen to the answers. It is more than likely that your fiancé has a very different personality than yours. That is what attracted you to each other in the first place! So don’t expect that you will handle things in the same way. My dad often said, “If two people are identical, one of them isn’t necessary”.

Your differences can become your strengths if you let them help you see things from another perspective.

Listening
In communicating, who has the greater responsibility—the one talking, or the one listening? The answer is always “YOU.” If you are the one talking, consider that you have the greater responsibility, and if you‘re the one listening, think that you still have the greater responsibility. Always look to what you can do, to be understood and to understand.

The benefits of being a good listener are:
- Your spouse will share with you more openly
It creates an atmosphere of trust and respect
It conveys that you care about your spouse’s opinion
Your spouse will feel understood

One thing I had to learn in marriage was that listening to Carol’s words was different than listening to the guys I hung out with. If I asked one of the guys how they were doing and they said, “fine,” they really were fine. But the answer, “fine,” from Carol is code for “Things are not the way they should be.” If a buddy asks me if I would like some ice cream, he really wants to know if I want some ice cream. However, the same thing asked by Carol is code for telling me that she would like a bowl full, with a cherry on top.

In proper communication with my wife, I can focus on what was spoken, and question whether Carol used the best words to portray her desires. Or, I can focus on my responsibility of listening, and seek to understand how I can best meet those desires.

Proper listening is not being judgmental, or having preconceived ideas of where the conversation is going. Proper listening has only one goal, and that is to understand. Many times in marriage, to be understood is what we desire most. Don’t consider your job of listening complete until your partner can say, “I really believe you understand where I am coming from.”

I once had a boss that demonstrated good listening skills. When I went into his office to discuss something, he would deliberately push his paperwork up on his desk and place his pen down. I knew then that I had his undivided attention. To show that you are truly listening, fold up your newspaper, turn off the TV, look in each other’s eyes, and put a smile on your face. I know this is a tall order, but the payoff is worth it.

Exercise 4
1) Practice listening by asking your fiancé to share something that deeply concerns them.
Do not interrupt
Ask a follow up question that would help you understand exactly how they feel
Summarize, by saying “If I understand you correctly, you said ...”
If you summarized incorrectly, seek to understand what they really meant
Once you have completed this, reverse roles.

Tell your fiancé what you think constitutes a good listener.

Ask your fiancé how they think your personality effects your listening.

Communicate in many different ways! Your spouse may be especially receptive to one form of communication or another, and will certainly appreciate some creative communication:
Send a text message, an email, a card in the mail, or a note with some flowers
Call in the middle of the day
Drop by their place of work just to say hello
Meet for lunch
Hold hands while driving
Read a story to each other
HAVE FUN

You will come to understand that “good communication skills” actually means a life-time of learning. Mastering this skill will take practice, patience, and a willingness to receive correction, but the benefit you will see and feel in your marriage is well worth the effort.